Wait, Evans lost the UFC LH title? That belt is now running neck-and-neck with Elisha Cuthbert’s legs for “wrapped around the most torsos”.
Oh, I should probably let everyone know that I went by “AndreNeilDee” until today. So no, I’m not a total random guy stalking you.
RT @THE_REAL_SHAQ: “You should always use a prudent tongue when your angry”…He meant to finish this sentence w/ “beaver comes a’ knockin”
My wife is breaking my low-sugar resolve this evening with kisses, wine, and now apple crumble pie. After the honeyboarding, I may break.
Every so often, I feel terrible about what’s happening to GM. And then all sympathy dissipates with two words: Pontiac Aztek.
Did I just use “break” twice in that last Tweet? I blame the wine. Or the kisses. Either way, intoxication played a part.
This had better be a good week for the Jays; after destroying Peter Zezel’s will to live, who knows what’s next.
Me: “Led Zeppelin rocked the *shit* out of the 70s. What happened to bands like that?” Wife: “What about Coldplay?” … I KNOW, RIGHT?
Grandfather to ranting grandmother: “Bev, you’re losing it.” Grandma: “Yes, and you lost two .” Related: Grandpa’s a double-amputee.
And just like that, a suppressed - but still audible - derisive snort tells me that my next pizza order comes with a free loogie topping.
Is it too late to write the pizza guy a sappy letter explaining that I only had $3 change, and it’s okay for him to see other people?
Watching RAMBO and eating a meat lovers’ pizza is either terribly gross or somewhat poetic
Kids’ Day @ the museum. The threat of velociraptors and tyrannosaurs would have paled in comparison to a cranky horde of Enfantus Terriblus
Speaking of kids, time to go visit the fam. You might think being swarmed by toddlers is cute, but their first words were ‘ZERG RUSH kekeke’
Maybe the Russians raising their kid as a pet *was* abuse, but hear me out. Is scratching behind the ears with own toes not a useful skill?
Watching the GOP spastically attack and then backtrack on Sotomayor is now approaching “squirrel crossing the street” territory. But funnier
Dr. Evil may be many things, but he is not a liar on the subject of what is or is not breathtaking. Also: Terrified of zippers.
[On the subject of which of her friends you would date, if she wasn’t around] “Oh come on. I won’t be mad/jealous/homicidal” #liesgirlstell
I respect you for your ti-AHH, INTELLECT. I respect your intellect. Your jiggly, bouncy intellect. #liesboystell
Why yes, I would like to have you over at 11:30pm to watch The Notebook and sip coffee and have a nice conversation. #liesboystell
Oh THIS purse? Sale. Got it on sale. Cost $100. Also, I tripped and accidentally dropped the Visa statement in the shredder. #liesgirlstell
AndreNeilDeeForgot a change of undies for after the gym. I call these the Tom Petty Days. ♫’Cause now I’m FREE♫ …..♫FREE-BALLIN’…♫
The pomegranate chai tea at home has spoiled me to everything else. I wouldn’t even water my grass with this Red Rose in front of me.
When Grey Fur is dead, Michaelle will eat his heart. Before he dies, Michaelle will put his children under the knife: http://bit.ly/8Fizm
Obama picks Sotomayor for SCOTUS. The long-oppressed white Conservative men rent their clothes and beat their breasts, weeping bitterly.
“…throw another mill up on it. I’ma cop a lotta land and I’ma cop a mountain and throw a little crib up on it” - rap lyrics to live by
Talabani, Uca, Toloui. #3kurdsduringsex
Just realized how square I am. I don’t even get invited to pity parties anymore.
Working on this client’s file on such a beautiful day is like…well, working indoors on a beautiful day. Time to fake a sinus headache.
Helped the wife pit on the Nuva ring. You have no idea how hard it was to resist shouting “FOR GREAT JUSTICE” as I went wrist-deep.
No baby I did not just tweet that. I, ah…crap. So hey there couch! Been a couple weeks since we spent a night together.
This is the weirdest thing ever. A chick friend of mine, getting married to a b-boy I’ve looked up to since I was ten: http://bit.ly/BraDJ
Hey breakfast pastry, remember when I said I’d eat you last? I LIED.
Wait a minute. Wait one minute. “Resident Evil Dead”. Your welcome, Capcom. I expect royalties.
The proprietary controller for Resident Evil Dead: Power Glove shaped like a chainsaw. A functional one. Capcom would own the fucking world
Aaand we just drove away the patrons in the adjoining table, with talk of the Nike Fart. Mission accomplished. Related: banned from diner.
These casual chats with my wife are really making me give serious consideration to having her conceive with a turkey baster.
Okay, cat’s out of the bag. Horrific things happen when you get a cough or sneezing fit during that time of the month. Also: celibacy.
Thanks to my wife, I now know what the ‘Nike Fart’ is. The kind that get misdirected while you women sit down, and ‘swooshes’ out the vag.
To the stacked blonde in the boylegs & Lululemon bra, power-walking down Burnhamthorpe: you’ll get my fender repair bill in the mail.
So that kid who had to play COD4 by Geneva Convention rules? Turns out it’s my friend’s son. Also: Unofficially a 13 y.o. war criminal
Bad: parking & occupying 2 spots. Worse: I park next to you out of necessity, and when you leave, *I* am now the asshole taking up 2 spots.
“Cosplay convention pictures” #3turnoffwords
“I voted McCain” #3turnoffwords
“Greys Anatomy’s on.” #3turnoffwords
Unemployed. “Finding myself”. #3turnoffwords
Upper lip piercing #3turnoffwords
Kanji boob tattoo #3turnoffwords
“Television watches YOU!” #3Smirnoffwords
Partying with wife and her two leggy, model friends with boob-touching tendencies turns out to be a *bad* idea. Will to live slowly waning.